The Test of True Forgiveness

UC_002What is harder: forgive or forget? Is it possible to do one without the other or somehow one will follow after you have done the other?

I’m going to be honest with you on this entry because this concept has recently crept up in my peripherals and I’m started to question if forgiveness is something more than letting it go. To start off, I’m the type of person who likes to see progress, and by that, I mean a result from a previous conversation or agreement. When some thing goes wrong, after discussing and seeing the fault, nothings means more to me than actually than preventing that issue from coming up again. If I expressed to Kenny that some of his jokes were offensive to me and the next time we had a conversation, he was more mindful about his jokes, that really means a lot to me! Because that means that they listen, they considered their actions and the results, and actually made the effort to avoid the conflict in the future. At that point, I feel as if complete forgiveness is applied because the conflict has been resolved.

However, what happens if it doesn’t?

In the past, someone has hurt me that the thought of saying their name, seeing their picture, or being reminded of a memory of them does not bring up good emotions or thoughts in my head or heart. I have prayed to God for me to forgive this person and have prayed to forget that the deed is done, it’s all in the past, but once I remember, everything resurfaces, included the pain and anger. I have a feeling that this always comes up because the issue doesn’t feel as if it’s been truly resolved even though it’s been years since that has happened. Was there some mending that tried to occur within all these years? Yes, there definitely was from the other party, but somehow I feel that there is still no resolution. I think because there was no apology or acknowledgement of the hurt, just the “hey, let’s be friends because I like to keep in touch with my friends” type of conversation, but really it’s just “I’ll let me look at your life through Facebook but not really ever interact with you.” That’s not keeping in touch, let alone mending. I guess I’m the type of person that can’t really move past a block until the block has been dealt with and moved?

I wonder if it’s wrong of me to ask for my hurt to be acknowledged before asking to move forward. To me that says that the person understands and is taking responsibility for their actions, whether it was intentional or not. This is where I get stumped about the whole forgive and forget because what I will always remember is whether or not the person followed-through with what they did what they said they were going to do. The biggest way for me to forget an incident is to have a new memory added to that bank to show the result of the conversation. Because action to me speaks in loud volumes because I can see that there is effort being made there.

*Sigh*. The test for me in this journey is seeing if I can face this person when they appear. I know that the emotions and hurt will come up and I can simply just swallow the hard pill and have God completely take over my being because I know that letting go is something that I may not be able to ever do completely on my own. So, God? Can you please do this for me? Can you give me the courage, forgiveness, and even love to move past all this?